CatmanV2
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Terrible Jokes Thread
- Thread starter Zep
- Start date
zagatoes30
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How does an elephant get in an oak tree?
Stand on an acorn and waits for Spring
Stand on an acorn and waits for Spring
zagatoes30
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How does an elephant get out of an oak tree?
Stands on a leaf and waits for autumn
Stands on a leaf and waits for autumn
zagatoes30
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Apologies they were my favourite jokes when I was about 6 even have a bit of cine film of my telling them at a family gathering in the garden
zagatoes30
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More of the same, I best stopped before I get banned
How do you hide an elephant in a cherry tree?
You paint its balls red.
Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
See how good it works
What's the loudest sound in the jungle?
A giraffe eating cherries out of a cherry tree.
How do you hide an elephant in a cherry tree?
You paint its balls red.
Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
See how good it works
What's the loudest sound in the jungle?
A giraffe eating cherries out of a cherry tree.
midlifecrisis
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CatmanV2
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We were out shopping earlier when the guy in front of us in the queue started being rude to the checkout girl. Being the peaceful sort, one of us grabbed the barcode reader and shone it right in his eyes.
You should've seen the look on his face!
It was priceless.
C
You should've seen the look on his face!
It was priceless.
C
midlifecrisis
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- 16,258
2b1ask1
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No doubt he will let you know when he has finished tiling the yard!
A wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. She was very upset and started shouting,
"You, disrespectful pig!"
"How dare you to do this to me – a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce, NOW!"
The husband calmly replied, "Hang on just a minute, love. At least let me tell you what happened."
"I don't wish to hear your lies", the wife sobbed.
The husband again pleaded with her,
"Darling, please hear me out. You first listen and then decide."
The wife barked,
"OK fine, but these will be the last words you say to me!"
The husband began ...
"Well, as I was getting into the car at work to return home, this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so distressed, helpless, and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car."
"She was tired, ill-dressed, and sad and told me that she hadn't eaten for three days."
"Out of compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the pizza I made for you last night that you wouldn’t eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing ate it, ravenously. Then I gave her the chicken stew that I had made 2 days ago, that you criticized for being too spicy."
"She was dirty, so I suggested she take a shower. While she was showering I noticed her clothes were old, filthy, and threadbare. I threw them away and gave her the designer jeans that you’ve had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight."
"I gave her the underwear, your anniversary present from me, which you kept in the back of the drawer, claiming I don't have good taste."
"I gave her the beautiful sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas, that you don’t wear just to annoy her. I also gave her the pretty sandals you bought at an expensive boutique, but don’t wear because someone at work has the same pair."
The husband paused, took a quick breath, and continued ...
"She was so, so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said ...
“Thank you so much, Sir. Please ... do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use any more...??”
"You, disrespectful pig!"
"How dare you to do this to me – a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce, NOW!"
The husband calmly replied, "Hang on just a minute, love. At least let me tell you what happened."
"I don't wish to hear your lies", the wife sobbed.
The husband again pleaded with her,
"Darling, please hear me out. You first listen and then decide."
The wife barked,
"OK fine, but these will be the last words you say to me!"
The husband began ...
"Well, as I was getting into the car at work to return home, this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so distressed, helpless, and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car."
"She was tired, ill-dressed, and sad and told me that she hadn't eaten for three days."
"Out of compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the pizza I made for you last night that you wouldn’t eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing ate it, ravenously. Then I gave her the chicken stew that I had made 2 days ago, that you criticized for being too spicy."
"She was dirty, so I suggested she take a shower. While she was showering I noticed her clothes were old, filthy, and threadbare. I threw them away and gave her the designer jeans that you’ve had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight."
"I gave her the underwear, your anniversary present from me, which you kept in the back of the drawer, claiming I don't have good taste."
"I gave her the beautiful sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas, that you don’t wear just to annoy her. I also gave her the pretty sandals you bought at an expensive boutique, but don’t wear because someone at work has the same pair."
The husband paused, took a quick breath, and continued ...
"She was so, so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said ...
“Thank you so much, Sir. Please ... do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use any more...??”