Terrible Jokes Thread

[Nibby]

This came up on my memories on facebook.
3 years ago Power Networks were working locally and I had received a card a few days earlier that there would be a power cut for a few hours on this particular day. Anyway there I was hoovering with Henry the Hoover and suddenly the power cut off, with nothing to do I lied on the settee and started to drift off. About an hour later I was awoken by the hoover starting up on its own.
Frightened the life out of me.

 

[Flint]

Is it me, or is this a bit random ?

 

[DLax69]

I called the incontinence hotline...and was asked if I could hold for a few minutes.

 

[Jamin]

Is it me, or is this a bit random ?

it sucks !

 

[CatmanV2]

C

 

[midlifecrisis]

Offically not Terrible...​

​

Top 10 jokes of the 2023 Fringe​

1. I started dating a zookeeper, but it turned out he was a cheetah - Lorna Rose Treen
2. The most British thing I've ever heard? A lady who said 'Well I'm sorry, but I don't apologise.' - Liz Guterbock
3. Last year I had a great joke about inflation. But it's hardly worth it now - Amos Gill
4. When women gossip we get called bitchy; but when men do it's called a podcast - Sikisa
5. I thought I'd start off with a joke about The Titanic - just to break the ice - Masai Graham
6. How do coeliac Germans greet each other? Gluten tag - Frank Lavender
7. My friend got locked in a coffee place overnight. Now he only ever goes into Starbucks, not the rivals. He's Costa-phobic - Roger Swift
8. I entered the 'How not to surrender' competition and I won hands down - Bennett Arron
9. Nationwide must have looked pretty silly when they opened their first branch - William Stone
10. My grandma describes herself as being in her "twilight years" which I love because they're great films - Daniel Foxx

 

[MarkMas]

Offically not Terrible...​

​

Top 10 jokes of the 2023 Fringe​

1. I started dating a zookeeper, but it turned out he was a cheetah - Lorna Rose Treen
2. The most British thing I've ever heard? A lady who said 'Well I'm sorry, but I don't apologise.' - Liz Guterbock
3. Last year I had a great joke about inflation. But it's hardly worth it now - Amos Gill
4. When women gossip we get called bitchy; but when men do it's called a podcast - Sikisa
5. I thought I'd start off with a joke about The Titanic - just to break the ice - Masai Graham
6. How do coeliac Germans greet each other? Gluten tag - Frank Lavender
7. My friend got locked in a coffee place overnight. Now he only ever goes into Starbucks, not the rivals. He's Costa-phobic - Roger Swift
8. I entered the 'How not to surrender' competition and I won hands down - Bennett Arron
9. Nationwide must have looked pretty silly when they opened their first branch - William Stone
10. My grandma describes herself as being in her "twilight years" which I love because they're great films - Daniel Foxx

My fave is still the Tim Vine winner from a few years ago....

I finally decided to sell my vacuum cleaner on eBay.
Well, it was just gathering dust.

 

[CatmanV2]

I know it's early in the season, but Lion King FC are going great so far:
A win away, a win away, a win away…

C

 

[midlifecrisis]

I know it's early in the season, but Lion King FC are going great so far:
A win away, a win away, a win away…

C

Karl Denver...saw him play live in Manchester...with the Happy Mondays...Lazyitis.

 

[MarkMas]

Don't leave your Ewoks outside.
They are Endor pets.

 

[zagatoes30]

I know it's early in the season, but Lion King FC are going great so far:
A win away, a win away, a win away…

C

Unlike my fecking team couldn't win anywhere

 

[midlifecrisis]

 

[CatmanV2]

Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock

Who's there ?

Octopus.

C

 

[MarkMas]

Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock

Who's there ?

Octopus.

C

A pedant writes....

That should be:
Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Kick Kick

 

[CatmanV2]

A pedant writes....

That should be:
Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Kick Kick

Too much, chap!

C

 

[MarkMas]

Too much, chap!

C

Precision in thought, word and deed! Especially in deconstructing jokes until they are thoroughly broken.

 

[zagatoes30]

Precision in thought, word and deed! Especially in deconstructing jokes until they are thoroughly broken.

Most of these jokes were broken before they start, that's the point

 

[mowlas]

I’m trying to convince my wife to get a hearing aid. But she just won’t listen.

 

[MarkMas]

Siri kept calling me Shirley this morning and I was getting really annoyed, but then I realized I had left my phone in Airplane mode.

 

[MarkMas]

I found a dating App for arsonists.
It's called Tinder.