Terrible Jokes Thread

Talking with my mate Lance, I says to him Lance is a pretty unusual name these days innit? , in olden days blokes were named Lance a lot..... :confused:
 
I'll never forget the last words words my Grandfather said to me.

'Stop shaking the ladder you little tw@t'
 
Markc said:
Two deaf blokes go for a pint at a club in Bolton. One says t’other go and find out what the entertainment is tonight. So t’other one asks the barman who says it’s country and western. Deaf bloke returns to his seat and t’other one says well, what is it? T’other one says it’s two cvnts from Preston.
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That joke always brings a smile to my face as it was first told to me by a fat ginger sergeant from the army whilst sat round the camp fire in the woods of hockenheim during the 1996 World Superbikes round. He wasn't PC and mimicked deaf people talking and acting various different types of music. One of those 'you had to be there' moments...
Next morning we were still reciting the punchline...till a young Suzy Perry turned up...
 
Personally I think it's a good one.
A man was riding his Harley along a California highway, when suddenly the sky cleared above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said: 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'
The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'
The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific, and the concrete and steel it would take!
It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.'
The Lord paused for a moment..
Then the Lord replied,
‘You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge' ?
 
From Phoenix nights - news headline. "Police probe Leeds girl's sn@tch"
Realy thought this was Chris Morris (on the day today).
 
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Two engineering students were crossing the campus when one said "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The other replied "Well, I was minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on the bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes, and said "Take what you want"".
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
 
A monkey walks into a bar and asks for a banana. The barman says 'sorry we don't have any bananas'. 'In that case,' the monkey shouts 'I'll have a banana'. The barman says 'No bananas'. Getting irate the monkey screams 'bananas bananas bananas'. The barman losing his temper says 'if you say bananas one more time I'll nail your tongue to the bar'. The monkey says do you have a hammer? 'No!' says the barman.

'In that case I'll have a banana'
 
midlifecrisis said:
A monkey walks into a bar and asks for a banana. The barman says 'sorry we don't have any bananas'. 'In that case,' the monkey shouts 'I'll have a banana'. The barman says 'No bananas'. Getting irate the monkey screams 'bananas bananas bananas'. The barman losing his temper says 'if you say bananas one more time I'll nail your tongue to the bar'. The monkey says do you have a hammer? 'No!' says the barman.

'In that case I'll have a banana'
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That is a bit like trying to argue with Benny!
 
I like this one :)

An Englishman and an Irishman go to a bakery. The Englishman steals three buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman: “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn’t even see me.”
“That’s just simple thievery,” the Irishman replied. “I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”

The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says: “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.” The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.

The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked two more times and after eating them again the owner says: “Okay my friend, where’s the magic trick?”

The Irishman then said: “Look in the Englishman’s pockets.”
 
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