Terrible Jokes Thread

Bloke goes to the chiropodist, gets his nob out & sticks it on the table,
Chiropodist looks it up & down & says that not a foot?
Bloke says no, but it’s a good 11” though
 
Confucius say,
Man who runs behind car will get exhausted, but man who runs in front of car will get tired.
 
Why did George Michael have chocolate all over his balls?

He was careless with his Wispa.

I'll stop now!
 
Went for my vaccination yesterday, and while most were waiting in the surgery for Astra Zeneca or Pfizer we lower mortals were directed to an old shed outside where we got the star wars version – jab of the hut.
 
I tried to make an appointment with the doctor because I feel that I am shrinking. I was upset with the receptionist because I couldn't be seen for over three weeks. She told me I'd just have to be a little patient.
 
12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on
British TV and radio:
1 Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely
horse. I once rode her mother.'
  1. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'
  2. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from
Bulgaria . I saw her ****** this morning and it was amazing!'
4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't
that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of
the Oxford crew.'
5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his
balls and kisses them. Oh my god !! What have I just said??'
6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team
Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'
7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have
snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob,
where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE
have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were
laughing so hard!
8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better
today after a 69 yesterday.'
9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said:
'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night
like this. '
10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports':
'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'
11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male
astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
'They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only
come in his shorts.'
12.. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.
 
Gogs253 said:
I tried to make an appointment with the doctor because I feel that I am shrinking. I was upset with the receptionist because I couldn't be seen for over three weeks. She told me I'd just have to be a little patient.
Click to expand...

I actually groaned :lol2:
 
philw696 said:
12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on
British TV and radio:
1 Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely
horse. I once rode her mother.'
  1. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'
  2. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from
Bulgaria . I saw her ** this morning and it was amazing!'
4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't
that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of
the Oxford crew.'
5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his
balls and kisses them. Oh my god !! What have I just said??'
6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team
Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'
7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have
snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob,
where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE
have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were
laughing so hard!
8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better
today after a 69 yesterday.'
9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said:
'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night
like this. '
10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports':
'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'
11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male
astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
'They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only
come in his shorts.'
12.. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.
Click to expand...

missed the best “the bowler is Holding, the batsman’s Willy”
 
Flopped on the bed last night after a long walk, and pulled-off my boxers.

The Mrs said 'You're spoiling them dogs'......

Later that night I was in bed licking her püssy and she says 'That cat can clean itself'....
 
Two deaf blokes go for a pint at a club in Bolton. One says t’other go and find out what the entertainment is tonight. So t’other one asks the barman who says it’s country and western. Deaf bloke returns to his seat and t’other one says well, what is it? T’other one says it’s two cvnts from Preston.
 
Markc said:
Two deaf blokes go for a pint at a club in Bolton. One says t’other go and find out what the entertainment is tonight. So t’other one asks the barman who says it’s country and western. Deaf bloke returns to his seat and t’other one says well, what is it? T’other one says it’s two cvnts from Preston.
Click to expand...
Did you hear about the two Pakistani Ice Skaters from Bolton? Daubhill and Deane?

Only Boltonian's will get that....
 
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