midlifecrisis
Member
- Messages
- 16,233
My new girlfriend left me due to my bald head...
never mind, hair loss not mine...
never mind, hair loss not mine...
Terrible Jokes Thread
- Thread starter Zep
- Start date
lozcb
Member
- Messages
- 12,566
No NO and NO thats not the government line, how very dare you introduce fun into the equation .............it needs regulation in some shape of form so we can tax you of course
mowlas
Member
- Messages
- 1,734
That line work’s especially well with girls names Polly.
What, are they taxing onanism now? Bl**dy H*ll I'm in for an HMRC investigation.
lozcb
Member
- Messages
- 12,566
No you didnt
jasst
Member
- Messages
- 2,317
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a
bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to
talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: “Hello”
WOMAN: “Hi Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
MAN: “Yes.”
WOMAN: “I’m at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s
only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?”
MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”
WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models.
I saw one I really liked.”
MAN: “How much?”
WOMAN: “$90,000.” ;
MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”
WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing… I was just talking to Janie and
found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re
asking $980,000 for it.”
MAN: “Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They’ll probably
take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it’s what you
really want.”
WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!”
MAN: “Bye! I love you, too.”
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in
astonishment, mouths wide open.
He turns and asks, “Anyone know who’s phone this is.
bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to
talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: “Hello”
WOMAN: “Hi Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
MAN: “Yes.”
WOMAN: “I’m at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s
only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?”
MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”
WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models.
I saw one I really liked.”
MAN: “How much?”
WOMAN: “$90,000.” ;
MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”
WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing… I was just talking to Janie and
found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re
asking $980,000 for it.”
MAN: “Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They’ll probably
take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it’s what you
really want.”
WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!”
MAN: “Bye! I love you, too.”
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in
astonishment, mouths wide open.
He turns and asks, “Anyone know who’s phone this is.
jasst
Member
- Messages
- 2,317
Englishman: "That your Dog"..??
Welshman: "Aye".
Englishman: "Mind if I Speak to him"..??
Welshman: "Dog don't Talk.”
Englishman: Hey Dog, how's it going"..??
Dog: "Doing All Right, Thanks".
Welshman: (Look of Shock).
Englishman: Is this your Owner"..?? (Pointing at the Welshman).
Dog: "Yep."
Englishman: How's He Treating You"..??
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the park once a week to play."
Welshman: (Look of Total Disbelief).
Englishman: "Mind if I Talk to your Horse"..??
Welshman: "Horse Don't Talk”.
Englishman: "Hey Horse how's it Going"..??
Horse: "Cool, Thanks".
Welshman: (Extreme Look of Shock).
Englishman: "Is this your Owner"..?? (Pointing to the Welshman).
Horse: "Yep."
Englishman: "How's He Treating You"..??
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he Rides me, Brushes me down often and keeps me in a nice Stable to protect me from the Weather."
Welshman: (Now a Look of Total Amazement).
Englishman: "Mind if I Talk to your Sheep"..??
*
Welshman: "That Sheep's a bloody Liar”..
Welshman: "Aye".
Englishman: "Mind if I Speak to him"..??
Welshman: "Dog don't Talk.”
Englishman: Hey Dog, how's it going"..??
Dog: "Doing All Right, Thanks".
Welshman: (Look of Shock).
Englishman: Is this your Owner"..?? (Pointing at the Welshman).
Dog: "Yep."
Englishman: How's He Treating You"..??
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the park once a week to play."
Welshman: (Look of Total Disbelief).
Englishman: "Mind if I Talk to your Horse"..??
Welshman: "Horse Don't Talk”.
Englishman: "Hey Horse how's it Going"..??
Horse: "Cool, Thanks".
Welshman: (Extreme Look of Shock).
Englishman: "Is this your Owner"..?? (Pointing to the Welshman).
Horse: "Yep."
Englishman: "How's He Treating You"..??
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he Rides me, Brushes me down often and keeps me in a nice Stable to protect me from the Weather."
Welshman: (Now a Look of Total Amazement).
Englishman: "Mind if I Talk to your Sheep"..??
*
Welshman: "That Sheep's a bloody Liar”..
lozcb
Member
- Messages
- 12,566
One way to get a smile from a grumpy ol fecker at 3 in the morning lol
happydaze
Member
- Messages
- 574
A chap travelling by train across Australia, noticed the bloke sitting opposite him acting strangely. He had a large sheet of paper, and every so often he would tear a tiny piece off, and throw it out the window.
After a while his curiosity got the better of him, and he asked what was the idea of throwing little bits of paper out.
"It keeps the elephants away" said the other bloke.
"But there aren't any elephants in Australia".
"Yes, effective isn't it"...
After a while his curiosity got the better of him, and he asked what was the idea of throwing little bits of paper out.
"It keeps the elephants away" said the other bloke.
"But there aren't any elephants in Australia".
"Yes, effective isn't it"...
It's not dead it's resting.
C
BJL
Member
- Messages
- 1,364
Bloke walks into the butchers and says
I've got a bone to pick with you, that piece of lamb you sold me the other day was massive
but when my wife cooked it it was tiny
Butcher says he bought a sweater the other day and was far too big on him
but after his wife had washed it it was tiny
Bloke says 'Do you think it came from the same sheep."
I've got a bone to pick with you, that piece of lamb you sold me the other day was massive
but when my wife cooked it it was tiny
Butcher says he bought a sweater the other day and was far too big on him
but after his wife had washed it it was tiny
Bloke says 'Do you think it came from the same sheep."