Terrible Jokes Thread

[mowlas]

 

[philw696]

 

[CatmanV2]

To ease the rising prices the government have taken 1p off petrol
it is now called etrol


C

 

[midlifecrisis]

A Priest and a Rabbi are sat next to each other on a flight to Israel and they get talking.
Eventually, the Priest asks the Rabbi if he has ever succumbed to temptation. The Rabbi replied, ok Father I shall confess. I did have a ham sandwich once.
The Rabbi returns the question, Father have you ever been tempted to see what it is like to be with a woman? The priest replies, yes, one time I have experienced by the joys of flesh.

The Rabbi says 'its far better than a ham sandwich isn't it'

 

[philw696]

 

[CatmanV2]

C

 

[Andyk]

 

[philw696]

 

[Nibby]

I went to the pub last night dressed as a tennis ball, I got served straight away.

 

[CatmanV2]

When my partner is depressed ,I let her
colour in my tattoos…
She just wants a shoulder to crayon

C

 

[Oishi]

 

[CatmanV2]

I used to go out with the lady who did the voice for the speaking clock…
We had a big argument though, and now she won't even give me the time of day

C

 

[MarkMas]

I just wanted to let everyone know, this morning, that April 17th is Procrastination Awareness Day.

 

[CatmanV2]

Did my first nude painting yesterday…
The neighbours weren't happy but the front door looks great!

C

 

[philw696]

A lady goes to her priest one day & tells him:

''Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know to say one thing.''

"What do they say?" the priest asked.

They say, ''Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?''

''That's obscene!'' the priest exclaimed,

Then he thought for a moment......
"You know,'' he said, ''I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible...

Bring your two parrots over to my house, & we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, & your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time.''

''Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.''

The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house....As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads & praying...

Impressed, She walked over & placed her parrots in the cage with them...

After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in unison:

"Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence...
Shocked, one male parrot looked over at
the other male parrot & says...

'Put the beads away, Frank, Our prayers have been answered !!!

 

[CatmanV2]

C

 

[philw696]

 

[spkennyuk]

Brought a tear to my eye today as i thought about all the people i have lost over the years.

I think its time i quit as a tour guide.

 

[mowlas]

It’s my wife’s birthday this week, and was thinking about what to buy her. I asked her whether she would like some diamonds and she said ‘nothing would make me happier.’ So I’ve got her nothing.

 

[zagatoes30]

It’s my wife’s birthday this week, and was thinking about what to buy her. I asked her whether she would like some diamonds and she said ‘nothing would make me happier.’ So I’ve got her nothing.

Divorce papers arriving soon