Terrible Jokes Thread
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Sommi
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John Travolta tested negative for coronavirus last night. Turns out it was just Saturday night fever.
The World Health Organization has announced that dogs cannot contract Covid-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released. To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.
I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself that's the last thing I need.
Intelligence is like underwear. It is important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off.
Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason..details are sketchy.
People are making end of the world jokes like there's no tomorrow.
Whatever you do, always give 100% unless you're donating blood
What do you call a sleepwalking nun? Roamin’ Catholic.
What did Snow White say when she came out of the photo booth? Someday my prints will come.
A girl said she recognized me from her vegetarian club but I’d never met herbivore.
Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.
I've always had an irrational fear of speed bumps but I'm slowly getting over it.
What word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it? Short.
I've finally told my suitcases there will be no holiday this year. Now I'm dealing with the emotional baggage.
If you're not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?
--
There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
The World Health Organization has announced that dogs cannot contract Covid-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released. To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.
I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself that's the last thing I need.
Intelligence is like underwear. It is important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off.
Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason..details are sketchy.
People are making end of the world jokes like there's no tomorrow.
Whatever you do, always give 100% unless you're donating blood
What do you call a sleepwalking nun? Roamin’ Catholic.
What did Snow White say when she came out of the photo booth? Someday my prints will come.
A girl said she recognized me from her vegetarian club but I’d never met herbivore.
Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.
I've always had an irrational fear of speed bumps but I'm slowly getting over it.
What word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it? Short.
I've finally told my suitcases there will be no holiday this year. Now I'm dealing with the emotional baggage.
If you're not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?
--
There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
MarkMas
Chief pedant
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Time Vine again?
C
Vine Time?
Scaf
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Surely as you are posting this there should be at least two other keys, the UPPERCASE key to get the capital S and a full stop, as there is bound to be the requirement for some punctuation.
MarkMas
Chief pedant
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- 8,925
Surely as you are posting this there should be at least two other keys, the UPPERCASE key to get the capital S and a full stop, as there is bound to be the requirement for some punctuation.
Good points!
philw696
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Just Brilliant makes you want to go and do it now
zagatoes30
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My 12 Year Old daughters favourite joke, well based on the fact she has told it at least 3 times a day for the last 3 weeks
What do you call Mary on a Donkey
Virgin Mobile
What do you call Mary on a Donkey
Virgin Mobile
Last edited:
zagatoes30
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An English lawyer was sat with his Irish client. ‘Marty’ he sighed, ‘Why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he replies with another question?’
‘B0ll0cks. Who told you that?’ asked Marty.
‘B0ll0cks. Who told you that?’ asked Marty.
Marco07
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Nicked from someone else:
Story time: One day a man decided to retire...
He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and
proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.
He soon found himself on an island with no other
people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my fishing boat sank." "Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this ole thing?" explains the woman. " I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from an Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the
woman. " On the south side of the island, a very
unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in a volcanic vent I found just down the island, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small hand built wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, It's not much, but I call it home.
Please sit down." "Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."
"Oh, it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Jack Daniels neat?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"
Story time: One day a man decided to retire...
He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and
proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.
He soon found himself on an island with no other
people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my fishing boat sank." "Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this ole thing?" explains the woman. " I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from an Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the
woman. " On the south side of the island, a very
unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in a volcanic vent I found just down the island, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small hand built wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, It's not much, but I call it home.
Please sit down." "Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."
"Oh, it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Jack Daniels neat?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"
| When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but a bandana around her blonde locks and some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned. She smelled faintly of coconut oil. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you had a really good ride?" She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes, "You've built a Motorcycle?” |
|
happydaze
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"Golf clubs?" His jokes were priceless...With thanks to R. Corbett
C
CatmanV2
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zagatoes30
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What do you call a bulletproof Irishman?
Rick-O-Shea…
Rick-O-Shea…
midlifecrisis
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