Terrible Jokes Thread
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lifes2short
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Saigon
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Just as well he was called Paddy, not Abdullah. Or you could have been in trouble.
philw696
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A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard.
The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.
He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't.
It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray.
He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board.
The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole.
The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.
Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars.
The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."
The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.
He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't.
It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray.
He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board.
The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole.
The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.
Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars.
The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."
Tallman
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Dimitrios and Giorgios are sitting on top of the hill overlooking the village. Giorgios can see Dimitrios is upset and asks him what the problem is.
Dimitrios, with his head down, says “Giorgos, I am very disappointed in the villagers down there“.
“But why” says Giorgos, “what have they done to you?”
Dimitrios answers "you see all those houses down there in the village? EVERY one of those houses I built with these two hands. And do you think they call me DIMITRIOS THE HOUSE BUILDER? No!”
Giorgos answers “But Dimitrios, that’s not that bad, that can’t be everything you’re upset about”.
Dimitrios, with a tear in his eyes answers “No Giorgos, that is not all. Now look at all those fishing boats in the harbour, EVERY one of those I built with my own two hands, and do you think they call me DIMITRIOS THE BOAT BUILDER? No!
“I feck ONE GOAT……”
Dimitrios, with his head down, says “Giorgos, I am very disappointed in the villagers down there“.
“But why” says Giorgos, “what have they done to you?”
Dimitrios answers "you see all those houses down there in the village? EVERY one of those houses I built with these two hands. And do you think they call me DIMITRIOS THE HOUSE BUILDER? No!”
Giorgos answers “But Dimitrios, that’s not that bad, that can’t be everything you’re upset about”.
Dimitrios, with a tear in his eyes answers “No Giorgos, that is not all. Now look at all those fishing boats in the harbour, EVERY one of those I built with my own two hands, and do you think they call me DIMITRIOS THE BOAT BUILDER? No!
“I feck ONE GOAT……”
philw696
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A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'
but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'
happydaze
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An American, an Australian, and an Irishman were standing on a ledge on a very tall building. The Irishman asked what the big fans were for on top of the building way below. The American replied " if you jump off here, the fans will blow you back up again". He then jumped off the ledge, and before he hit the fans, he came straight back up onto the ledge.
"I'm doin' dat" said the Irishman, and immediately jumped off the ledge. He was chopped to bits when he hit the fan.
The Australian turned to the American and said "Crikey you're an a***hole, Superman"...
"I'm doin' dat" said the Irishman, and immediately jumped off the ledge. He was chopped to bits when he hit the fan.
The Australian turned to the American and said "Crikey you're an a***hole, Superman"...
Tallman
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Time for a terrible African joke:
A Maasai man walks into a bank in Nairobi and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to Dubai on business for four weeks and needs to borrow 5,000.
The bank officer tells him that bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the maasai man hands over the keys to a brand new Mercedes Benz S class 500 parked on the street in front of the bank.
Produces the log book and everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the maasai for using a KSH 15 Million Mercedes Benz as collateral against a 5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drives the Mercedes Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Four weeks later, the maasai returns, repays the 5,000 and the interest, which comes to 150.41.
The loan officer says :
'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business & this transaction has worked out very nicely but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out & found that you are a multi millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow 5,000?'
The Masai man replies: 'Where else in NAIROBI can I park my car four weeks for only 150.41 and expect it to be there when I return?'
A Maasai man walks into a bank in Nairobi and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to Dubai on business for four weeks and needs to borrow 5,000.
The bank officer tells him that bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the maasai man hands over the keys to a brand new Mercedes Benz S class 500 parked on the street in front of the bank.
Produces the log book and everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the maasai for using a KSH 15 Million Mercedes Benz as collateral against a 5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drives the Mercedes Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Four weeks later, the maasai returns, repays the 5,000 and the interest, which comes to 150.41.
The loan officer says :
'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business & this transaction has worked out very nicely but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out & found that you are a multi millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow 5,000?'
The Masai man replies: 'Where else in NAIROBI can I park my car four weeks for only 150.41 and expect it to be there when I return?'
MarkMas
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Good story, but not sure why it is an African joke.
When I first heard it, it was a chap leaving his Rolls Royce Phantom II with Martin's bank in Croydon when he took his Imperial Airways flight to Paris, but oh well.
lifes2short
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two aerials met on a roof, fell in love and got married, the ceremony was rubbish but the reception was excellent
Tallman
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Most jokes have multiple versions depending on who tells it and where they are from I guess.Good story, but not sure why it is an African joke.
When I first heard it, it was a chap leaving his Rolls Royce Phantom II with Martin's bank in Croydon when he took his Imperial Airways flight to Paris, but oh well.
MarkMas
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Yes, and it is good to spread their locales around the globe, I suppose. If you are not doing it as a prejudiced attack. It was very ecumenical, for example to hear about Dimitrios the goat-forker, rather than the usual Dai or Bruce the sheep-shrugger.
midlifecrisis
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Showing your age there...that version is so old it's in black and white...Good story, but not sure why it is an African joke.
When I first heard it, it was a chap leaving his Rolls Royce Phantom II with Martin's bank in Croydon when he took his Imperial Airways flight to Paris, but oh well.
safrane
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Two Irish men walking down the Shankel Road in Belfast during the troubles.
Suddenly a huge blast rips into them and they are flung into the air.
As the dust and smoke clear, Murphy says to Michael, "Are you OK Michael?"
"NO" comes the reply..."I think I've lost me legs"
"Ahh...don't you worry your head Michael... there just over there on the other side of the road ya idiot"
Suddenly a huge blast rips into them and they are flung into the air.
As the dust and smoke clear, Murphy says to Michael, "Are you OK Michael?"
"NO" comes the reply..."I think I've lost me legs"
"Ahh...don't you worry your head Michael... there just over there on the other side of the road ya idiot"