Terrible Jokes Thread

Gazcw

Gazcw

Member
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7,794
Saigon said:
Read through them all, recognised at least 90%, had a think about it and came to the conclusion that my Mum was talking sh1t. Biggest problem is I have said similar to my kids, but things have changed haven’t they. Better or worse, who knows!
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Recognise all 20 but No.20 is back in my day.
 
philw696

philw696

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25,577
My grandfather used to put a spoonful of gunpowder in his tea every morning. He said it was an old age tradition that helped you live longer. I had my doubts but he lived to the ripe old age of 97. He left a widow, 4 children, 14 grandchildren and a fifty foot crater where the crematorium used to be!
 
philw696

philw696

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25,577
A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom, when she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
"What are u doing?" She exclaimed!!!
The daughter replied,"I'm 35 & still living at home with my parents & this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband".
Later that week the father was in the kitchen & heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.
"What are u doing?" He exclaimed!!!
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 & still living at home with my parents & this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband".
A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on TV with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.
"What are u doing?" She exclaimed!!!
He replied..........
"Watching the game with my Son-In-Law".
 
MarkMas

MarkMas

Chief pedant
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8,976
A news report just in:

The England team visited a home for Afghan refugee orphans in Stratford today. "It's heart-breaking to see their sad little faces, and to know that they have no hope for the future" said Hamid, aged 6. "
 
philw696

philw696

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25,577
A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian!

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his ******' widow"
 
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