Terrible Jokes Thread

Harry · May 29, 2023

DLax69 said:
View attachment 114980

Took me a few seconds to work it out. I genuinely first thought it was one of those “neighbour dispute” photos, an ex-pat living in the States who honks their horn too much. Duh!

CatmanV2 · May 29, 2023

Harry said:
Took me a few seconds to work it out. I genuinely first thought it was one of those “neighbour dispute” photos, an ex-pat living in the States who honks their horn too much. Duh!

Same. My sister: same

C

DLax69 · May 29, 2023

DLax69 · May 29, 2023

After Dan retired, his wife insisted he accompany her on her trips to the local all-in-one superstore. Unfortunately, like most men, he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate his wife was like many women - she loved to browse but after a few of these shopping trips she received the following letter from the store manager:

Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to permanently ban both of you from the premises. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

July 2: He set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her supervisor that in turn resulted in a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a 'Code 3.'
August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. Also set up a tent in the camping department and told shoppers’ children he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department, to which twenty children obliged.
August 23: When a clerk asked if he could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
October 3: Darted around the store while loudly humming the ‘'Mission Impossible' theme.
October 16: In the auto department, he practiced his Madonna Look using different sizes of funnels. Also hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed; 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least: October 30: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

We appreciate your past patronage, but can no longer tolerate these outbursts and misuse of company resources. We thank you kindly for both staying away from our store and taking Mr. Harris along as you frequent our competition.

zagatoes30 · May 29, 2023

DLax69 said:
After Dan retired, his wife insisted he accompany her on her trips to the local all-in-one superstore. Unfortunately, like most men, he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate his wife was like many women - she loved to browse but after a few of these shopping trips she received the following letter from the store manager:

Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to permanently ban both of you from the premises. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

July 2: He set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her supervisor that in turn resulted in a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a 'Code 3.'
August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. Also set up a tent in the camping department and told shoppers’ children he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department, to which twenty children obliged.
August 23: When a clerk asked if he could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
October 3: Darted around the store while loudly humming the ‘'Mission Impossible' theme.
October 16: In the auto department, he practiced his Madonna Look using different sizes of funnels. Also hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed; 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least: October 30: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

We appreciate your past patronage, but can no longer tolerate these outbursts and misuse of company resources. We thank you kindly for both staying away from our store and taking Mr. Harris along as you frequent our competition.

I have been known to pull all the voice chords on the talking toys in the local Toys R Us before they went bust.

Awesome this will almost be my To Do list when I retire