My car priorities must change

I put my eldest through private school, and my younger daughter in private school until senior school started. The tuition and subject choice at the private school was better at the time. Though I understand that the particular school is much more limited now.

My younger daughter has just graduated with a 1st class Master in Physics after being taken out of private school aged 10. My eldest didn't finish her degree.

The reason for taking them both out of public school was due to a low regard for the local schools. This proved to be unfounded in the case of my younger daughter and son. If I had the time again I certainly wouldn't do it again.

OMG. sportsmaserati has morphed into dads.net

This is one of the most interesting threads that I've read on this forum.
I'm not a parent and being in my early 50's and divorced, I'm not going to be.
There's very little to nothing that I can add and many of your comments really resonated.

The few informed comments that I can add, might be helpful.
I'm at the early stages of a psychology based PhD. Am doing this now, following a decade of chronic illness
and the PhD will hopefully be part of the ticket back to what was, a successful consulting career. I'm focusing on leadership.
However, a good portion of the 'preamble' examines the stages of personality development from conception
through to adulthood.
The latest research suggests that the greater portion of our personality traits are inherited via genes from our parents.
Personality development occurs in the womb, influenced by take-up of chemicals released by the mother in response to
stimuli. Such as in a fight or flight situation.
Our personalities continue to develop through our early years, but by then (pre-school) have largely been determined.
Formal systems of education are considered dysfunctional in large part. As we mechanised production, so we mechanised education. Just as the practice of individualised medicine is gathering pace. Formal education may follow in it's footsteps.
In some instances, it's already doing so.
(apologies. was interrupted at that point. will complete if I can later, though others
have already done so, to a large degree)

That's an interesting take and in terms of 'education' resonates with my experience of teaching.

C

I have found there is a vast difference between having an education and being educated. We can help our children as best we can, but you have to let them make their own choices, and mistakes, with hopefully some guidance taken in along the way, as long as they grow up well rounded and healthy I don't think you can ask for more.

Alan Partridge in his book prides himself on being able to educate himself to university standard just via Wikipedia. Back of the net....

UlstermanAbroad said:

OMG. sportsmaserati has morphed into dads.net

This is one of the most interesting threads that I've read on this forum.
I'm not a parent and being in my early 50's and divorced, I'm not going to be.
There's very little to nothing that I can add and many of your comments really resonated.

The few informed comments that I can add, might be helpful.
I'm at the early stages of a psychology based PhD. Am doing this now, following a decade of chronic illness
and the PhD will hopefully be part of the ticket back to what was, a successful consulting career. I'm focusing on leadership.
However, a good portion of the 'preamble' examines the stages of personality development from conception
through to adulthood.
The latest research suggests that the greater portion of our personality traits are inherited via genes from our parents.
Personality development occurs in the womb, influenced by take-up of chemicals released by the mother in response to
stimuli. Such as in a fight or flight situation.
Our personalities continue to develop through our early years, but by then (pre-school) have largely been determined.
Formal systems of education are considered dysfunctional in large part. As we mechanised production, so we mechanised education. Just as the practice of individualised medicine is gathering pace. Formal education may follow in it's footsteps.
In some instances, it's already doing so.
(apologies. was interrupted at that point. will complete if I can later, though others
have already done so, to a large degree)

Click to expand...

WOW!!................Can I book a few sessions with you, I think about 200 sessions should sort me out!!

as per my favourite kung fu saying "I can show you the path grasshopper, but I cannot walk it for you" the kids will eventually walk that path you've guided them to, then it's all up to them

My wife and I took the kids to the private school for an assessment this morning. School being off for the holidays, the whole vibe was very relaxed and there were quite a few kids playing rugby, cricket and football as part of summer club. Those children seemed very happy and well mannered.

The head teacher met us met us in one of the main reception rooms (built in 1792!!!) in a pair of Bermuda shorts, untuck shirt and bare feet. To his credit, he was on holiday, working on fixing something on the school ground with the school handyman. Although his attire would have shocked 90% of the parents about to spend the fruit of their hard work on their kids education, we on the other hand quite liked that, it shows that he’s quite down to earth.
The school is very relaxed and has a higher focus on sports, arts, drama and the kids happiness rather than pure academic achievement per say - although the plaques on the walls begged to differ: 20% of the graduating class this year ended up going to Eton, and the rest is going to top private or grammar schools. So they can’t be too too relaxed academically.
He spoke at length about non academic achievements and the importance of happy children that find interest in the activities they take part in. The grounds are amazing (several hectares) and there are plenty of farm animals that the school kids take care of.
In short, we got a brilliant vibe from that visit.

In the meantime, to make things even more complicated, we also heard that the state school our kids are currently in, aced the SATs and scored higher than the highest score achieved across Hertfordshire last year... so that should place it in the top spot or very close for this year - academically that is.

This make our decision even more complicated... my wife and I have a lo g week end ahead of us to weight pros/cons...

Thanks all for your amazing input. Reading this thread again, it is clear that there is no right/wrong answer, just a decision for us to make based on what we feel is the best option.

Good luck with your decision. Feel safe in the knowledge that there doesn't seem to be a bad option and far from it. That isn't a bad place to be. You can't really go too far wrong regardless.

One thing that creeps into many lives even on a silly basis often I find is minor stresses related to pressures you put upon yourselves. Things like too many hours working, bad diet and eating patterns/times, lack of exercise, sleep etc. as it all has an effect. Unnecessary pressures of finance worries due to trying to push too hard and achieve too much unrealistically. I'm just trying to ease all of this as I genuinely feel us as a family unit will all benefit then it becomes a win win rather than sometimes a lose lose.

If you can all gain a balance in all areas that truly has to be the holy grail.

Just a general question - has anyone here ever ended up on their financial arses? I have, twice, one not my fault, one totally my fault. Does it 'make' you? I think it might, I'm 58 now and as I've said before I'm a decent earner, six figures but that doesn't mean much nowadays, however I've never felt financially comfortable, probs due to above and my own willingness to spunk money on ****...

I do feel I've messed up, but I have five great kids I've bought up myself, I have a partner of 16 years 20 years younger than myself (cash back!) I have several expensive guitars, a Maserati I never thought I'd ever aspire to, a shed load of IBM POWER Frames, SPARC T-2's, I could go on...

But I still turn unnecessary lights off, work out the cheapest way in petrol, stuck in traffic can still really feel the petrol being wasted.....

I am my dad.....

Define '****'

Certainly before I was married I had CCJ's and so on against me.

Not sure it really made me think. Only in the last 5 years (at a guess, probably less) have I got to a state where I don't want to buy stuff for the pleasure of buying it. Which is, in retrospect, what I was doing. I now buy stuff for the pleasure of the stuff (cf my watches, and I only buy one once I'm convinced that I'm getting it for less than I can sell it for).

Nearly all of the stuff I own I'd sell at the drop of a hat if I had to. The stuff I wouldn't sell also has very little value....

<edit>

Serious point. Very serious point. Mrs C and I made a decision that we didn't want kids badly enough for it to be a good call. We'd probably have been 'OK' parents. Would have given it the best shot.
We're now of an age where it's less likely than ever.

My point is this: I've seen my sister, my peers and my best friends raise kids. If your kids are good, happy, successful and so on, then the rest of the stuff doesn't matter a flying ****. You've won everything. That's all. Also, FWIW you have my greatest respect because it looks like damned hard work!

C

Wanderer said:

Just a general question - has anyone here ever ended up on their financial arses? I have, twice, one not my fault, one totally my fault. Does it 'make' you? I think it might, I'm 58 now and as I've said before I'm a decent earner, six figures but that doesn't mean much nowadays, however I've never felt financially comfortable, probs due to above and my own willingness to spunk money on ****...

I do feel I've messed up, but I have five great kids I've bought up myself, I have a partner of 16 years 20 years younger than myself (cash back!) I have several expensive guitars, a Maserati I never thought I'd ever aspire to, a shed load of IBM POWER Frames, SPARC T-2's, I could go on...

But I still turn unnecessary lights off, work out the cheapest way in petrol, stuck in traffic can still really feel the petrol being wasted.....

I am my dad.....

Click to expand...

I hear you. Although my parents are now relatively wealthy by most peoples standard, they grew up in lower middle class and money was tight when we grew up. My dad was a business owner and he came close to folding his business a couple of times. He only started making money when we got to our late teens.
They were always fairly frugal and invested all the money they could save.

My wife and I were both raised through the same sort of values, and are now living relatively frugally given our level of earnings.
We could easily decide to drive brand new Range Rovers and have a couple of fancy italian cars in the garage - but that’s not us! Instead we prefer the thought of saving close to 70% of our salary and give money to charity. Although we never really ran in financial troubles, we are behaving in a way that will allow us to be financial independent by the time we reach 43-45 and not depend on a job to make a living.
As Rockits said - life is fragile and fickle - spending time w our kids is more important to us than paying for the depreciation of new cars, and keeping up w the Joneses.

Side note - some deep and philosophical conversations on this thread... who would have thought petrolheads were also capable of that between 2 posts about cars, booze and (.)(.)

CatmanV2 said:

Define '****'

Certainly before I was married I had CCJ's and so on against me.

Not sure it really made me think. Only in the last 5 years (at a guess, probably less) have I got to a state where I don't want to buy stuff for the pleasure of buying it. Which is, in retrospect, what I was doing. I now buy stuff for the pleasure of the stuff (cf my watches, and I only buy one once I'm convinced that I'm getting it for less than I can sell it for).

Nearly all of the stuff I own I'd sell at the drop of a hat if I had to. The stuff I wouldn't sell also has very little value....

<edit>

Serious point. Very serious point. Mrs C and I made a decision that we didn't want kids badly enough for it to be a good call. We'd probably have been 'OK' parents. Would have given it the best shot.
We're now of an age where it's less likely than ever.

My point is this: I've seen my sister, my peers and my best friends raise kids. If your kids are good, happy, successful and so on, then the rest of the stuff doesn't matter a flying ****. You've won everything. That's all. Also, FWIW you have my greatest respect because it looks like damned hard work!

C

Click to expand...

Nice one C, respect, right back at ya, Bro-ster!...

The only think I wouldn't sell I think is my Shergold 6 bass, no idea why, maybe cos it's two-battler, they are are rare, had one, loved it, had to sell it, regretted it, bought another at 10x the price I sold for, love it - my one connection with my free spirit past I think, no girl, no kids, just music....

rivarama said:

I hear you. Although my parents are now relatively wealthy by most peoples standard, they grew up in lower middle class and money was tight when we grew up. My dad was a business owner and he came close to folding his business a couple of times. He only started making money when we got to our late teens.
They were always fairly frugal and invested all the money they could save.

My wife and I were both raised through the same sort of values, and are now living relatively frugally given our level of earnings.
We could easily decide to drive brand new Range Rovers and have a couple of fancy italian cars in the garage - but that’s not us! Instead we prefer the thought of saving close to 70% of our salary and give money to charity. Although we never really ran in financial troubles, we are behaving in a way that will allow us to be financial independent by the time we reach 43-45 and not depend on a job to make a living.
As Rockits said - life is fragile and fickle - spending time w our kids is more important to us than paying for the depreciation of new cars, and keeping up w the Joneses.

Click to expand...

My dad was a postman, previously a very skilled lathe turner at Hick Hargreaves in Bolton, I'm connected with people that knew him there and he was the best of best. The go-to-guy. He jacked it in to go on the post. I've no idea why. I'd love to know I guess if he was like me he just had enough. I said to him once I don't want a dead-end job like yours and I bitterly regret it, it must have hurt him but he never let on, that is my disgrace and the guilt prays on me every day..

My mother was a machinist in various clothes making places in Bolton and latterly a cleaner.

Both my parents are dead now, mum 62, dad 68. I cry a lot when I think, they had nothing, just us three kids who probably didn't help, I remember my mum crying at my aunties house saying she couldn't cope with us, and me aged 8 or 10 or something listening and being all British and pretending I didn't hear...

We lived in Bolton, number 2 Peel Street in a house with no hot water, no heating, no bath, no toilet, one bedroom with the five of us in it until 1972, and I don't regret that at all, in my innocence I was happy, as we all were.

Made me a staunch Socialist and also made me want to better myself, I am very clever and intelligent, I know that, but I'm also lazy, I got out, despite my laziness, but I never forget my past and how I was brought up, and how my parents struggled from day one to day end-of-life, and yes, I am ****** off by privilege, and how some people always get what they want, but that's my dichotomy, I had to deal with it, it's not anyone else's problem.

I am in tears typing this and I'm not sorry....

Thanks for sharing Wanderer and like many of us born early 60'S we saw and had struggles.
My father lost a good business in 73 during the 3 day week and our family and at the time the oldest of 4 boys we ended up on one of the roughest council estates between Dudley and Wolverhampton and everyone knew of our demise.
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger mate.

rivarama said:

Side note - some deep and philosophical conversations on this thread... who would have thought petrolheads were also capable of that between 2 posts about cars, booze and (.)(.)

Click to expand...

Boobies!

C

Wanderer said:

My dad was a postman, previously a very skilled lathe turner at Hick Hargreaves in Bolton, I'm connected with people that knew him there and he was the best of best. The go-to-guy. He jacked it in to go on the post. I've no idea why. I'd love to know I guess if he was like me he just had enough. I said to him once I don't want a dead-end job like yours and I bitterly regret it, it must have hurt him but he never let on, that is my disgrace and the guilt prays on me every day..

Click to expand...

Just a thought. Your father loved you? Would he want you to be wracked with guilt over something you said in the heat of the moment? Or would he rather you made peace and moved on?

C

philw696 said:

Thanks for sharing Wanderer and like many of us born early 60'S we saw and had struggles.
My father lost a good business in 73 during the 3 day week and our family and at the time the oldest of 4 boys we ended up on one of the roughest council estates between Dudley and Wolverhampton and everyone knew of our demise.
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger mate.

Click to expand...

Apart from bears

Seriously well done.

C

philw696 said:

Thanks for sharing Wanderer and like many of us born early 60'S we saw and had struggles.
My father lost a good business in 73 during the 3 day week and our family and at the time the oldest of 4 boys we ended up on one of the roughest council estates between Dudley and Wolverhampton and everyone knew of our demise.
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger mate.

Click to expand...

Cheers Phil, it was hard to type out, especially on a random forum, but stuff it, that's life...

I also remember running out of options with the five kids on my own and this being largely unemployable, and facing being council-housed in Lochside, the drug capital of Dumfries and Galloway, and this always seems to happen to me, I sink and sink and when I've sunk too far I get my act together and fight my way out. Always a struggle though, never been able to relax, I just have to suppose that's me, lazy, lazy until I've had too many slaps in the face then I react!

Wanderer said:

Nice one C, respect, right back at ya, Bro-ster!...

Click to expand...

Thanks. There's plenty worthy of respect more than I, though

C