Well don’t carp on about it.
Terrible Jokes Thread
- Thread starter Zep
- Start date
happydaze
Member
- Messages
- 574
Yeah, but they weren't the same fish...
midlifecrisis
Member
- Messages
- 16,238
Or tank...
- Messages
- 21,192
midlifecrisis
Member
- Messages
- 16,238
I noticed a niche in the online dating market. Straight people have tinder , gays have got grinder, but I was going to create one for lesbians but Flickr is already taken.
mowlas
Member
- Messages
- 1,736
Funny, I had the same brainwave and tried to register a subtly named web-site for lesbians… but you should have seen the threatening letters I got from Guy Richie’s lawyers!
midlifecrisis
Member
- Messages
- 16,238
Seems like ze Germans have a sense of humour after all...
philw696
Member
- Messages
- 25,490
Actually I think it's rather Good 
A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said,
"I want to be a movie star."
Tall, handsome, and with experience on Broadway, he had the right
credentials . The agent asked, "What's your name?"
The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."
The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into
Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."
"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will
not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."
The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years...you will NEVER
go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you,
you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."
"So be it! I guess we will not do business together," the guy said and he
left the agent's office.
FIVE YEARS LATER......The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.
Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for £50,000. The agent is
awe-struck, who would possibly send him £50,000? He reads the letter
enclosed...
Dear Sir,
Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in
Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it
with my God-given birth name, I refused.
You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van
Lesbian .. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I
decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to
return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have
made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my
appreciation.
Thank you for your advice.
Sincerely,
Dick van ****!
A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said,
"I want to be a movie star."
Tall, handsome, and with experience on Broadway, he had the right
credentials . The agent asked, "What's your name?"
The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."
The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into
Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."
"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will
not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."
The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years...you will NEVER
go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you,
you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."
"So be it! I guess we will not do business together," the guy said and he
left the agent's office.
FIVE YEARS LATER......The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.
Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for £50,000. The agent is
awe-struck, who would possibly send him £50,000? He reads the letter
enclosed...
Dear Sir,
Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in
Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it
with my God-given birth name, I refused.
You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van
Lesbian .. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I
decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to
return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have
made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my
appreciation.
Thank you for your advice.
Sincerely,
Dick van ****!
And he replied: “Wednesday “
midlifecrisis
Member
- Messages
- 16,238
My god, I dribbled down my bib at that one!
midlifecrisis
Member
- Messages
- 16,238
Sneak!
philw696
Member
- Messages
- 25,490
A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'
The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'
She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts.....
Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'did you call for me?' says the hairy man.
'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.
'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.
The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the £500 membership fee.'
'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.'
The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 35 times a day!!'
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'
The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'
She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts.....
Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'did you call for me?' says the hairy man.
'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.
'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.
The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the £500 membership fee.'
'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.'
The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 35 times a day!!'
mowlas
Member
- Messages
- 1,736
The other day I was driving to a country pub to meet a friend for lunch.
I hadn’t been there before and I got a bit lost, so I pulled over and asked a man for directions. He looked at me suspiciously and said, “Oh yeah why do you want to go there then?” I thought this was a very odd reaction, but I went ahead and explained that I was meeting a friend there. He looked at me for a long time and then said, go to the end of the road and turn right then go straight on for a mile. I thanked him.
I followed his directions, but when I got there there was no pub, just an old lady stood on the pavement. I pulled over and asked her for directions to the pub. She scowled at me and said, “What’s your reason for going there?” Again I explained that I was meeting a friend. She looked at me up-and-down and eventually said, “Okay go left and then right, go over the roundabout and then go onto 50 yards”.
I did this and again there was no pub there but there was a man stood on the side of the road. Totally bewildered by this point, I stopped and asked the man for directions. Again I got the same reaction but finally this time the man’s directions got me to the pub. When I went in, my friend said , “You took your time! What happened?” So I told him about all the odd people that I’d seen on the way there and he smiled and said, “Oh, you took the cynic route.”
I hadn’t been there before and I got a bit lost, so I pulled over and asked a man for directions. He looked at me suspiciously and said, “Oh yeah why do you want to go there then?” I thought this was a very odd reaction, but I went ahead and explained that I was meeting a friend there. He looked at me for a long time and then said, go to the end of the road and turn right then go straight on for a mile. I thanked him.
I followed his directions, but when I got there there was no pub, just an old lady stood on the pavement. I pulled over and asked her for directions to the pub. She scowled at me and said, “What’s your reason for going there?” Again I explained that I was meeting a friend. She looked at me up-and-down and eventually said, “Okay go left and then right, go over the roundabout and then go onto 50 yards”.
I did this and again there was no pub there but there was a man stood on the side of the road. Totally bewildered by this point, I stopped and asked the man for directions. Again I got the same reaction but finally this time the man’s directions got me to the pub. When I went in, my friend said , “You took your time! What happened?” So I told him about all the odd people that I’d seen on the way there and he smiled and said, “Oh, you took the cynic route.”
midlifecrisis
Member
- Messages
- 16,238
Fk off...that was truly terrible...well done...but please no more...
