Shamelessly stolen from across the pond. Happy Christmas, all of you
'Twas the night before Christmas and out in the shed
Sat a tired old Maserati, its battery dead.
Its fenders were rusted, the floorpan had holes
The seats and the carpets had been eaten by voles
The tires had dry-rot, the gas tank was leaking
A turn of the wheel sent tie rods a-creaking.
So I put on my coat with a weight on my heart,
And went out to the shed to get it to start.
The engine turned over--there arose such a clatter!
I knew from the sound it was water pump chatter.
From under the dashboard there came a bright flash:
The wiring harness had just turned to ash!
Ive had it with Maseratis I finally swore
Enough is too much! I cant take any more!
When what to my red, teary eyes should appear
But a little Italian (****, I need a beer!)
Buon giorno, he said, poking me in the belly.
You needa my help? Im Giulio Alfieri.
This one can be saved; there is no reason to grieve.
All you need is some faith--Man, you gotta believe!
A hammer! Some duct tape! Get me more tools!
When you work on these cars, just make up-a da rules!
Well get her cranked over no way that she will stall
(But stand over there with you back to the wall.)
A cough and a sputter, the cacophony stunning--
I couldnt believe it! The **** thing was running!
The ghost winked at me and said, kicking a tire,
Whatever you do, DONNA TOUCHA THIS WIRE!
The old man then vanished amid sneezes and farts
But when the smoke cleared he had left me some parts.
So I opened the shed door and let the top down
Put pedal to metal and went out on the town.
And I thought to myself as I missed second gear
Merry Christmas to All and a Happy New Year!
C
