Terrible Jokes Thread

CatmanV2

CatmanV2

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Found it!


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midlifecrisis

midlifecrisis

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A man walked into a bar with a monkey, he orders a beer but the monkey grabbed a few nuts of the bar and eats them followed by a few olives. The monkey goes over to the pool table and proceeds to put the cue ball in its mouth and swallows it hole. The monkey's owner is aggrieved and offers to pay for a replacement cue ball. The landlord agrees.
A couple of weeks later the same man walks back into the bar with the monkey and orders a beer. The monkey spies the nuts, grabs one, puts it up his àrsë and then eats it. He does the same with the olives. The barman asked the man why he's doing such a disgusting act. The man replied 'Well after he ate that cue ball he's checking everything that he eats!'
 
MarkMas

MarkMas

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I recently heard about this novel in which Schrodinger's cat and Pavlov's dog team up for a cross county adventure...

So I headed down to the library to see if they had a copy.

The librarian said that my description rang a bell but she wasn't sure if the book was there or not.
 
Flint

Flint

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351
That reminds me:


An Irish labourer went for a job on a building site.
The foreman wasn't too sure about the Irishman's ability to do the job so he asked him if he knew the difference between a girder and a joist.
The man says, yes sir ........ Goethe wrote Faust and Joyce wrote Ulysses.
 
safrane

safrane

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Two Irish men walking in Belfast during the troubles.
Suddenly there is a huge explosion, clouds of dust fill the air and both men are knocked to the floor.
As the noise abates and the dust clears, Murphy sits up and looks down his body...Jesus's F***** Christ he screams to Shamus.
Shamus turns to him and, asks are you OK Murphy?
Bloody He'll no...I've lost me legs he yells!!!
Ah, no you haven't, they're over there on the other side of the road, replied Shamus.
 
CatmanV2

CatmanV2

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48,817
The local police received calls from Mr Dyk3, Mr Gogh, Mr Diesel, Mr Morrison and Mr Der Valk ; all of whom have had their vans stolen

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MarkMas

MarkMas

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I was screaming at the TV, "No! You idiot! Don't go into the old church with the zombies inside!"

MrsMM shouted from the kitchen, "Why do you watch these horror movies if they make you upset?"

I was watching our wedding video.
 
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MarkMas

MarkMas

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8,953
I was having a meal in an Indian restaurant, when this little old lady came up to my table. She said, “You are such a lovely boy, with beautiful manners. You are a credit to your mum and dad.” Then off she toddled.

I said to the waiter, "Excuse me, but who was that?"

He said, "Ah yes sir, that’s your complimentary nan…"
 
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