Terrible Jokes Thread

Nick Wright

Nick Wright

Junior Member
Messages
27
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says,
"Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk" !!
Exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too,"
Says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that,"
Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.
"I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
"Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job,"
Says the duck.
"Where is it?"
"At the circus,"
Says the barman.
"The circus?"
Repeats the duck.
"That's right,"
Replies the barman.
"The circus?"
The duck asks again.
with the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says
"What the **** would they want with a plasterer"
 
MarkMas

MarkMas

Chief pedant
Messages
9,835
Scaf said:
Stood behind a chap at the cashpoint earlier today standing on one leg and wondered what he was up to, and then I realised he was just checking his balance :p
Click to expand...

Which reminds me that my local ATM's first menu says:

Would you like:
  1. just cash
  2. cash with balance on screen
  3. just your balance
If you select 1, the next menu says:

Before we issue your cash, would you like:
  1. cash with balance on screen
  2. cash without balance on screen
 
MarkMas

MarkMas

Chief pedant
Messages
9,835
Nick Wright said:
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says,
"Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk" !!
Exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too,"
Says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that,"
Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.
"I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
"Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job,"
Says the duck.
"Where is it?"
"At the circus,"
Says the barman.
"The circus?"
Repeats the duck.
"That's right,"
Replies the barman.
"The circus?"
The duck asks again.
with the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says
"What the **** would they want with a plasterer"
Click to expand...


me: "Do you have any ducks left?"
him: "Yes, but they're going quick!"
me: "OK, I'll have two right now."

[later]

ducks: "Quick, quick"
me: "I see"
 
Flint

Flint

Member
Messages
533
This duck walks into a pub.
He says to the barman; "Have you got any bread ?"
The barman says; "No, sorry mate, we don't do food at all."
Off he goes.
One hour later the duck returns; "Have you got any bread ?"
Barman; "No mate, like I said, we don't do food."
Another hour goes by, the duck returns again; "Have you got any bread ?"
The barman, a little testily this time, says; "Look, I've told you twice, we have no bread. Now stop pestering me".
Yet another hour passes, and our little friend returns.
"Have you got any bread ?"
The barman says; "Now listen here you little sh1t, I've got no f**king bread, not today, not tomorrow. No bread. Gettit ? In fact if you come in here again I'm going to nail your beak to this f**king bar".
"Have you actually got any nails ?"
"Erm ...... no."
"Have you got any bread ?"
 
Scaf

Scaf

Member
Messages
7,041
MarkMas said:
Which reminds me that my local ATM's first menu says:

Would you like:
  1. just cash
  2. cash with balance on screen
  3. just your balance
If you select 1, the next menu says:

Before we issue your cash, would you like:
  1. cash with balance on screen
  2. cash without balance on screen
Click to expand...
Same as my local ones, drives me mad.
 
CatmanV2

CatmanV2

Member
Messages
50,771
MarkMas said:
Which reminds me that my local ATM's first menu says:

Would you like:
  1. just cash
  2. cash with balance on screen
  3. just your balance
If you select 1, the next menu says:

Before we issue your cash, would you like:
  1. cash with balance on screen
  2. cash without balance on screen
Click to expand...

Self service tills where you have to tell them you're paying by card as if putting your card on the reader wasn't a clue...

C
 
Andyk

Andyk

Member
Messages
62,905
So I’m putting this in terrible jokes as it must be and let’s face it were else would you put it….I usually would post anything political but how is this man potential going to be back in office. What makes it even more unbelievable is he said it at the black journalist society.

 
MarkMas

MarkMas

Chief pedant
Messages
9,835
Andyk said:
So I’m putting this in terrible jokes as it must be and let’s face it were else would you put it….I usually would post anything political but how is this man potential going to be back in office. What makes it even more unbelievable is he said it at the black journalist society.

Click to expand...

He is now completely off the rails. If you would like to see an 11-minute summary of his absurd meltdown:

 
MarkMas

MarkMas

Chief pedant
Messages
9,835
A bloke comes home from a job interview and is looking a bit perplexed. He explains that the interview went well,but he needs to have a medical, and bring back 'a specimen' to the nurse. “What’s a specimen?”, he asks his wife. “I don’t know, ask Mrs Smith next door, she’s a nurse”. He replies, “Oh no, she hates me, YOU go ask her.” His wife is gone for quite a long time and when she appears in the doorway, her dress is torn and tattered, her face bruised, and her hair a total mess. He says, “What on earth happened to you?”. His wife says “Well, I said to Mrs Smith, what’s a specimen? And she says, **** in a jar, and I said well **** in your hat, so the fight was on!"
 
joered

joered

Member
Messages
833
Man goes to a doctor complaining about piles

The doctor gives him a prescription and says 'Put one of these suppository in your passageway ever night

So every night the Man open his door and puts a suppository in the passageway outside his flat.

A few weeks later he goes back to the doctor and complains the prescription did not work.

He says ' For all the good they did me I could have just stuck them up my Ar$e'
 
spkennyuk

spkennyuk

Member
Messages
6,118
Craig David has been taskimg with helping the Team GB archery team at the Olympics.

He is their chief Bo Selecta !
 
CatmanV2

CatmanV2

Member
Messages
50,771
@MarkMas ;)

453647622_1062894078533594_1284064350341124043_n.jpg



C
 
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