Terrible Jokes Thread

mowlas

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I am trying to get rid of my old boiler and replace with a newer model but she flatly refuses to go.
 

MarkMas

Chief pedant
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I thought there might have been protests during the proclamations of the King's accession, but apparently Anarchists lack the organisational capacity to coordinate something like that at short notice.
 

philw696

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Mother had 3 virgin daughters who were all getting married in quick succession. As the mother was concerned about their first experiences, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words about what transpired.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding The card said nothing but: 'Nescafe'

The mother was puzzled at first… she went to her kitchen and found the Nescafe jar.

It said: 'Good till the last drop'.

Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: 'Rothmans'

The mother found her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the pack: 'Extra Long. King Size’

she was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in Auckland, New Zealand. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.

Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words 'Air New Zealand'

Mom took out her latest YOU magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for Air NZ.

The ad said: 'Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways.'

Mum fainted...
105674
 

philw696

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A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognised it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier:

He said to the female whale. "Let's both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."

They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon, however, the whales realised the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of the shore.

The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female "let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."

At this point, he realised the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.

"Look." She said "I went along with the ********, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."
 

mowlas

Member
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1,728
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognised it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier:

He said to the female whale. "Let's both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."

They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon, however, the whales realised the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of the shore.

The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female "let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."

At this point, he realised the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.

"Look." She said "I went along with the ****, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."
I take it these weren’t sperm whales, then?
 

mowlas

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The sky was looking rather ominous so I asked Siri “Surely, it’s not going to rain today?”

And she replied, “Yes it is, and don’t call me Shirley.”

That was when I realised I’d left my phone on Airplane mode.
 

CatmanV2

Member
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48,543
At the risk of repeating someone

"Doctor Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a supermarket."
"How long have you felt this way?"
"Ever since I was Lidl."

C